“Red velvet cake” is a weird name for a cake, if you think about it. We might naively assume that “velvet” describes the texture and not one of the ingredients. But what if were an ingredient? Introducing: red Velveeta cake!
We decided to make our red Velveeta cake jelly-roll style, with melted Velveeta rolled up inside a red velvet cake and covered with frosting and Ritz crackers.
A cake so nice we made it twice
The cake had a Duncan Hines red velvet cake mix base with some Velveeta added for good measure. We didn’t know how much melted Velveeta we could add without changing the texture of the cake after baking, so we did some rough calculations on fat and protein content and replaced some of the oil and eggs with velveeta, giving the batter a cheesy aftertaste. For the frosting, we modified a recipe from the Food Network, where we replaced the cream cheese with a combination of Velveeta and cream cheese.
After baking the cake in a thin layer on a cookie sheet, we coated it with frosting and rolled it into a log. Then, we added decorative cheese whiz and sprinkled Ritz crackers on top of the log.
Lian: It looks like something made out of playdough. I think I would rather just eat the playdough.
Conor: This tastes like cheese and regret. And Ritz crackers.
Kristen: Someone, I don’t know who, just said that it tastes like a nacho cheese cake. That’s accurate. This cake is rich and thick, with balanced flavors of cheese and chocolate. Wait, that makes it sound delicious…. It’s not really, though. I could only eat a few bites.
Beth: The cheese whiz rosettes were foul. The rest wasn’t bad. Neither the cake nor the frosting was repulsive, but they were both at different parts of the dinner-dessert spectrum, so the whole thing didn’t quite come together. (I still ate a bunch of it. Omnomnom, cheesecake. Yes, Alex, I know I am an unredeemable heathen for referring to this thing as a cheesecake.)
Here’s what people offered cold leftover red Velveeta cake had to say:
Sharon: Remarkably not too regrettable.
Julia: That is certainly a thing I just ate.
Greg: Having not eaten any, I am satisfied with my life choices.