Have Yourself a Scary Little Solstice

As the holiday season enters full swing, you may be getting tired of the same old cookies. But we have the solution for you!

Through the addition of several mysterious ichors to standard spritz cookie dough (i.e. several drops of every color of food coloring) you too can create your own edible creatures of the deep. (You will also need a cookie gun. You know you want to own a device called a cookie gun.)

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Here we showcase three modern beings of the briny depths – the sea cucumber, the sand dollar, and the sea urchin.

We also feature two ancient denizens from the time of the great old ones, the trilobite and the marella. Or is that some variety of opabinia that once walked the dead city of R’lyeh?

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Soylent Green Beans

With the arrival of Soylent and other nutritionally complete food substitutes, we realized that the greater internet community was stealing an idea we developed nearly two years ago!  However, the record of our invention sat unpublished gathering dust, allowing these upstarts to take the scene.

Our Soylent Green Beans have been confirmed by Kristen to be more delicious than MealSquares*.  We think it’s because of our secret ingredient.

*The staff of Unwholesome Foods makes no claims to the nutritional completeness of Soylent Green Beans.

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What is the secret of soylent green beans?

Cambridge, Massachusetts in the year 2012: Nothing runs anymore, nothing works, but the peeple are the same. And the peeple will do anything to get what they need, and what they need is soylent green beans.

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Terror-misu

We call it terror-misu because this recipe has enough caffeine to give you heart palpitations.

Terrormisu

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Ice Creamed Corn

We wanted to follow up our Ice Cream of Mushroom Soup with something that would appear to a broader range of palates.  We drew some inspiration from our friends’ popsicles and achieved success with this delightful recipe that could only have been invented in America.

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Jerky Butter

Everyone loves a good PB&J, but we thought it was time to add some variety to this old standby by inventing a new high-protein spread.

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Cookie Showdown!

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Have you ever had a food you love betray you when the manufacturer changed the recipe?  Have you ever had an attempt to satisfy a craving turn your mouth into an uncanny valley of flavor?

The writers of Unwholesome Foods grew up with Samoas as one of the most popular Girl Scout Cookies around.  When we moved to Boston, we were distrubed to find Caramel Delights.  Had rebranding killed our childhood friend forever?

In time we realized that Samoas were still out there.  We’d just moved from regions supplied by Little Brownie Bakers to a region supplied by ABC Bakers.  Then we had another revelation.  New Hampshire is supplied by Little Brownie Bakers, and it’s less than an hour drive away!  It was the perfect chance to find out if Samoas are really better than Caramel Delights, or if our love for them came only from nostalgia.

Beth merrily drove off to New Hampshire, only to return disappointed after the cashiers at the grocery store she visited told her the Cookie Locator website had told her the wrong date for the sale at that store.  Cookie month was almost over, and the chance at chocolate-coated cookie happiness was fading away.  Then a coworker from New Hampshire saved the day, and Cookie Science could begin.  

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Doing Our Work for Us

While we at Unwholesome Foods have been too busy lately to post much, other people out in the world are still doing their part.  Yet somehow, we never expected that Whole Foods was on our side. Continue reading

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